Dignity

The Boy and I have had so much history, and yet it's our history that's ultimately bringing us down. We've been fighting to stay together, to make it work. In this latest episode, it feels as if I'm fighting to stay together because I'm too afraid of that feeling - the feeling of your heart literally breaking, the ache of your heart at the thought of throwing everything you planned away.

When we did break up for most of the last (calendar) year, I went through a dramatic period of tears, Elliott Smith, candles, and alcohol. Those band-aids for my booboo's only served to superficially cover up the deep hole in my heart that I didn't think would be filled up again.

Come the summer, and I really thought I was over it - I knew he was dating someone, and I was even happy for the fact that he had found someone. We were both moving on.

Come the fall, he starts talking to me again, and tries to hook up. I should have known that wasn't going to end well, but who was I to resist? In the end, opening my legs that time opened up a Pandora's Box of emotions that only Elliott Smith, candles, and alcohol could close. All of winter we were pseudo-dating, and come January, I am bawling on his kitchen floor at 1AM the night before my flight back to school, and we were officially back together.

I tried hard this past week to change, and I did a decent job. He couldn't trust it as a permanent transformation, and as a result didn't treat me as if he believed in me. It's the little things that matter.

It's not the fact that he puts his hand on my back when we're out. It's the fact that we sit without touching on the couch, and he doesn't move to touch me.

It's not the fact that he hugs me when we're out and together. It's the fact that when I go see him he doesn't seem happy to see me, doesn't give me a hug, and goes back to his own life.

It's not the fact that he cares about me. It's the fact that he doesn't seem to care about this relationship.

It's not the fact that he loves me. It's the fact that he isn't in love with me anymore.

After two years of being together and having the problems that we did have, it's no surprise that after a month, 2 months of attempting to change my behavior would validate some sort of change in his expectations of me. And yet I can't help but wonder why it is always me that is having the problems that are causing our relationship to fall apart.

When he says something wrong, he doesn't apologize, and yet makes me apologize for getting angry for taking it "the wrong way." He doesn't try to change anymore, and I wonder why I try. Sometimes I feel as if he's just in it because the last time we had this conversation I sat on his kitchen floor bawling uncontrollably, and he just felt bad for me so he agreed to my demands. I feel as if he just holds on to our past, knowing we had some sort of connection, something he could hold on to until he finds the next person.

I don't want to cry over him anymore, but I also didn't need to open up that Pandora's Box of emotions leading to possibly tomorrow night's lineup of Elliott Smith, candles, alcohol, and tears.