This was brought to you by the letter B and the number 12.

The first guy I ever slept with, didn't know he was the first guy. I was 17 and he was 4 years older. It happened on a twin bed, in the dark, in his apartment on his college campus. It wasn't good, but it also didn't hurt - which made my lie a lot easier (I broke my hymen when I was a child playing around on the monkeybars). I should've known that the sex wasn't going to get much better, but since he was the only guy I had slept with, I didn't know any better.

After 3 1/2 years of being on and off, we finally ended. In between those 3 1/2 years were numbers 2-5. 

Number 2 was my TA sophomore year of college. Also blonde, tall, lean, older, and not very pleasing in bed. He was uncut, and I thought it looked funny at the time. Had a lot of stamina, but was not great. Happened once - the night before I took my final - and I got an A and everything was done.

Number 3 was a guy I had met back home during a break (when #1 and I were fighting). His name started with the same letter as #1 and #2, but he was brunette, tall, lean, older, and better than #1 and #2. Went to school to be a chef, and is now dating his then-roommate. Again, this happened only once - the next night I had make-up sex with #1 - but he's occasionally talked to me on AIM.

Number 4 happened during a break that #1 and I had my sophomore year. He was blonde, lean, older, lived in the same building as me, and whose name started with the same letter #1-3's names started with. This was the second guy that I had actually had a relationship with including sex. This ended pretty tragically 2 months later, when I couldn't stand to have the boring awful sex anymore, and he wasn't really feeling it either. However, this break went very awkwardly and I could barely look him in the eye for the next year.

Number 5, I think, surprises most people, because number 5 was the jew. The jew was awful in bed and I almost left in the middle of the night instead of sleeping over. Had HGF been home, I most certainly would have left. (Their apartments were down the street from each other). I saw him on campus this semester and had an awkward forced interaction and he did not look me once in the eye.

Number 6, I met at a bar in college junior (and my last) year. It was the end of the semester and the year and I decided to try out a sophomore football player. The sex was much better than #1-5, and gave me faith back in mankind. So thank you Number 6, you had restored my faith in man.

Number 7 - the older man who broke my heart. If #1-4 were 4s and 5s on a scale of 1-10, #6 would be a 7. Number 7 would be a 7.5. The sex was pretty great, but I never orgasmed with him. He had a nice big thick dick and he knew how to use it. He was one of those bad boys, the ones with issues and baggage. But in bed, he was pretty amazing.

Number 8, the first man of NYC. Tall, blonde, older, lean, artsy type. Huge dick - we had to use magnums - but fell flat in the performance department. Things were amazing when I was on top, but things were just good when we were other positions. Number 8 would also get a 7.5. His schedule was pretty eclectic and he was frequently out of town, so that moves me to 

Number 9. Older, tall, lean, redhead. I must say, redheads are indeed firecrotches. He was a freak in bed and absolutely loved dirty talk, among other things. Loved having sex and was good at it. Had #7's package but was even better in using it. Things fell flat when I was more emotionally ready to move on than he was. I still went over for sex every now and then because it was too good to pas up. He gets an 8.

Number 10. Irish man who I picked up at a bar drunkenly. The sex was pretty awful and I'm glad he never called me. He gets a 4.

=========current==========

Number 11. Back into the blonde phase - older, blonde, tall, muscles. Didn't come the first time we had sex. That made me feel pretty awkward. The sex is getting better, thank god, but he is a little stuffy for what I enjoy the most - uninhibited passionate animalistic sex. Giving him a 6 until this situation is fixed.

Number 12. Best Sex I've Ever Had. But he's kind of weird and maybe he's insecure because he's 10 years older than I am and thinks I'm going to run off with someone who's my age and not fuck him again. Who knows? But he likes to have the very sexy post-coital talk of "so did you enjoy it? thoughts? which did you like the best? what would you like to try?" etc. It's a bit awkward, since we've only had sex twice, but it's also quite bizarre for a GUY to start asking those questions. Give him an 8.5.

1 down, 4 to go.

Got done with my first OCI - got there before the interviewer ... or anyone else did. Now that I've espoused my liking for the crim division of a certain US District Attorney's office, I need to get it out of my head. I have an interview with the civil division of a different US District Attorney's office in about 3 hours.

I think it went well, but I couldn't stop focusing on the huge gap between her two front teeth. Granted, her teeth are in her mouth, which is on her face, which means I was actually focused on her when I was talking instead of looking into the background or do something completely heinous.

In other news - I've realized that I'm attracted by smarmy men. Most awful attraction ever, but I love smarmy men...probably because I'm a bit sketch myself.


Oh and I'm in love with my intellectual property professor. I swoon in class.

Swoon #3

So the big city is definitely spewing out some quality men, namely the law boy that I met last weekend.

He is pretty much the complete polar opposite of the boy I had/have been dating. He's the most polite, the most down-to-earth-nice, and shy and reserved man I have ever encountered. On the other side, the boy I had been dating is a typical drunk mess who has asshole tendencies and also tends to have little to no regard for emotional feelings.

However, the boy I had been dating is exactly like me, and the boy I met last weekend is the polar opposite of me. We've already seen each other 3 times and it's been a week. We both feel so incredibly comfortable with each other already but neither of us know why.

I've already met his token gay friend, and he absolutely loves me. Apparently I'm not the only one attempting to corrupt him. Granted, he's being a bad influence on me too - I've already skipped 3 classes to hang out with him.

Not Sure How To Feel About This

So I finally got all of my grades back. I did as well as I thought I would do, that is to say, average in 2 classes, and above average in the class that I actually enjoyed.

Summer 2008 outlook is bleek. I've gotten rejection upon rejection, and still more firms that I haven't heard about. I am not sure why these people won't just let me down already. Part of me hopes that some 2L is refusing an offer and thus they'll contact me for an interview. Not likely.

However, on the bright side, a good many of them asked that I apply in the fall. Moreover, one asked that I call to schedule an interview in July should I be in the city at that time. I emailed the firm that I interviewed with my unofficial transcript. After that I emailed 4 more firms who requested my transcript. Good news? One of them is Cravath, Swaine & Moore.

I also got an interview with a public interest group. I didn't think I'd be going this route, so I never signed up for the public interest funding. I'm pissed I didn't, because this place pays $500/week for 10 weeks and the additional funding would've been $4000 for the summer. Granted, I feel like I could definitely coax these public interest people at school into giving me the money.

In other news, I got my tuition bill, and had a major freakout in the library because that's $3500 that I do not have. I looked over my beginning of the semester last semester and realized that my parents didn't account for the tuition in how much they were giving me (or maybe they did and I just completely and totally overspent $3300 in the past 5 months that I've lived here...but I don't see how that could be the case. At most I probably overspent $900, which is not something that I could not make up for with my own money).

Money fucking sucks. It's almost 11 and I still have barely touched on my readings for tomorrow.

In other news, I don't know what exactly is going on with the boy. We don't call each other unless it's absolutely necessary, but we talk on IM all the time...and he hasn't signed on in 2 days. Maybe I'm just being paranoid and weird. But either way, I met a 3L last weekend, and we're going out for drinks tomorrow, so that should be fun. He's super nice but he's also kind of bland (he's going to be doing tax law once he graduates) and innocent.

Not Okay.

All of a sudden today I just felt completely and utterly miserable. And I just want someone to hold me and take care of me. Then I realize that I don't have that person in my life, and fall even further.

I don't even know what I'm crying over. I'm just sad. I feel empty, but I don't know what I'm missing. I'm lonely, but I don't think having another body tonight will make me feel better. Maybe I miss the previous boy, or maybe I am prematurely mourning over the non-future that this boy and I will have.

Either way, here are some lyrics that resonated with me tonight. They're from A Fine Frenzy - Almost Lover

" Your fingertips across my skin
The palm trees swaying in the wind
Images
You sang me Spanish lullabies
The sweetest sadness in your eyes
Clever trick
Well, I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

We walked along a crowded street
You took my hand and danced with me
Images
And when you left, you kissed my lips
You told me you would never, ever forget
These images
Well, I'd never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot drive the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind
So you're gone and I'm haunted
And I bet you are just fine
Did I make it that easy
To walk right in and out of my life? "

Introspection.

The current boy is teaching me a lot about myself, mostly because he just asks questions that I tend to not have answers to - like why I am not an affectionate person.

My parents never really showered me with affection when I was little - granted, it wasn't because they didn't love me, they're just not affectionate people in general. I don't ever remember my parents being affectionate with each other, but they've been married for over 20 years and they're still going strong.

The last boy that I dated said he liked it when I held him - that's when I realized that I don't touch the boys that I kiss. So that was remedied.

This one asked why I didn't kiss him anywhere but the lips. 6 weeks before this he asked me why I didn't touch him. He felt that all the affection was coming from him and I wasn't really giving any. He thought that I maybe just didn't like him. I just didn't think it was necessary to show any more than I already was - wasn't the fact that I was over there every night that I would leave my apartment enough to show that I liked him?

Either way, I'm a pretty accommodating person and if that's what he wants then I'll give it to him. I don't think I was mentally at the point where we were more than a convenient arrangement.

I started calling our relationship an arrangement just so people could get the right idea. To be honest, I thought about how and when this would turn into an actual relationship, as in boyfriend/girlfriend sort of relationship. We've been consistently seeing each other since mid-late November, so it's been around 6-8weeks I suppose. So when is it going to turn into something more? 12 weeks? end of this semester? I just don't see it turning out that way.

I also feel a little safer in this arrangement - if a boyfriend cheated on me, his dumb ass sure as hell would not tell me. However, in this case, we've made it a point that if either of us sleep with someone else, just for the sake of health and safety, to tell the other. Or maybe this is just my way of rationalizing my choice of staying in this arrangement rather than asking for something more.

When he comes over tomorrow or Tuesday, I think I will have my talk that I was supposed to have when I saw him last...

I am a terrible writer, thus I resort to lists.

#1 - coming back home and finding a stack of rejection letters from firms = giant sadface. Granted, this was expected mostly because I applied to a lot of major international firms, and a lot of firms either don't consider first years or I need to have a transcript...which I don't.

#2 - good news is that 2 firms requested transcripts (so let's hope when that thing comes out I do well) and a couple of the firms asked that I either request an interview with the firm or sign up for the the on campus interviews this fall. So at least I have a good lead-in for my next summer's jobs.

#3 - I have so many errands to run and I'm really sick of taking the subway and seeing that on weekends the train will skip my fucking stop. I'm going to move in with either HGF or the boy this weekend because this is just not okay.

#4 - I already (!!!) have reading assignments for classes. What kind of stupid bullshit is that? First day has to be syllabus day...not socratic method day. Damnit, I already hate this semester and it won't even start until Monday at 3pm.