Shanghai Baby

"From start to finish he went to every length to wait hand and foot on the oriental princess of his dreams - his gifted girlfriend with waist-length black hair and sad, sensitive eyes.

And I - I finally realized I'd fallen into the trap of love and passion set by this man who wasn't supposed to be anything more than a sex partner. He had reached my vulnerable heart and then the intimacy behind my eyes. I'd fooled myself by saying it was all just a game, amusing for us both; life's just an amusement park, and we can't stop searching for pleasure.

... The shirt still had his smell. Burying my face in it made me realize what it is to lose happiness."

The boy is here in 6 days. I have a decision to make.

i was walking with a ghost

I'm starting to get attached to friday-night's-boy. He needs a better name, seeing as how I am probably going to refer to him a bit more frequently. City-boy. We'll call him that.

I've been talking to City-boy pretty frequently for the past ... week. It's probably not the best thing for me to do. Actually, I'm not really sure what is the best thing to do at this point. We talk for a couple of hours every day, and well, last night was just a giant mess.

I joined a journal and we had our mid-semester staff party. I started that night with about 3 shots of tequila. Followed by 3 shots of Soco and Lime. Then, going along with everyone else, I decided to go to the bar by where the party was. I was TRASHED and I kept on saying outloud how I really want to touch one of my neighbors. Probably not the best idea. Then I started DRUNK TEXTING City-boy. I don't think I actually wrote anything of any coherence but that's a different story.

Get to the bar and I'm trashed. Leaving other details inside, I pretty much start dancing by myself/with my roommate and start groping boys' asses. Thinking about it sober, I am SO embarrassed. At least the boys aren't in any of my classes. I was just too trashed to function.

Then I proceeded to drunk dial City-boy...at 1 in the morning. and we talked for like, an hour and a half. About what? Hell if I know. Too bad we live on opposite sides of the city. Or else the mistake of drunk dialing could've turned into a bigger mistake...

The things I do know about my drama-filled life - I no longer have a bona fide boyfriend. Whatever is going on between me and the boy is I don't even know. He's trying to work it out. I'm trying to actually forgive him. It's going to be a long process.

DMZ

Friday night: go out with HGF's crew to some random loft party thrown by his grad school's friend/DJ. Ends up going home with a 4th year PhD because HGF and co. were too coked up to go home at that point. HGF kept on pushing me to talk to that guy and apparently threw the guy a thumbs up in the bathroom. Kid is pretty cute, we can talk forever. We woke up at 9am (went to bed at 5:30am) and talked until 1pm. I didn't want to do anything beyond making out that night - so we didn't. Talked to him on AIM tonight for another 3 hours.

Sunday: tell the actual boy about all that went on this weekend. I think it made me feel better, because today I woke up for the first time in 10 days not hating him. At the same time, the fact that I am continuing to talk to and semi-flirt with the boy from Friday lets me know that my heart is still not 100% back in that relationship.

Regardless, I miss the boy so much and I really can't wait to see him - and by see him I mean have a lot of sex with him, and cuddle, and feel good in his arms.

Foreigners

I tried to move on. I woke up to the smell of roses, the dozen that he sent me because he was so sorry, and just immediately thought "my fucking room smells like roses...I hate him."

Went to the bars last night with the intention of meeting some crazy little [otherlawschool] boy. I don't know why I decided last night was just it. Maybe it was to prove to myself that I am not so deep into this that I'm not attracted to other [normal] boys, and that yes, there are law boys out there that I can actually deal with. And maybe it was also just so I can get over the boy quicker.

I'm not so sure the 2nd of those reasons was a very healthy option. I can't healthily move past this until I forgive him, and until I accept all of those feelings, and move on, with or without the boy.

I met some LLMs last night, well, one in particular actually matters. He was an amazing kisser. I'm starting to believe that foreign boys speak much better English compared to their American counterparts when it comes to picking up women. The first boy that I talked to (even though I found out later he has a girlfriend), after I told him about beer gardens, asked "So you're taking me there?" in the most adorable Italian accent.

The boy I spent most of the night with, repeatedly told me that I was a "fire starter" among other things - shit that no American boy can come up with. His kisses were so passionate, aggressive, they were amazing. But this one's kisses didn't give me that pit-of-the-stomach-butterfly-flutters that the boy's kisses give me.

I don't know what last night meant, but I woke up this morning, sober, hungover, alone, and sad.

Butler.

I procrastinate for one week and this is what I get -

1. Journal article to read and critique by 8pm
2. Journal article to do a substantive cite checking on...for 7 different sources...comprising around 40 different footnotes...by last week, or really, ASAP at this point.
3. Contracts problem handed out last Wednesday that I literally just opened and read, to be handed in tomorrow at 4pm.
4. Rewrite of my first memo for my legal writing class...due Friday

well...fuck.

Are we dating? Are we dating?

After discussing the current matters of the day (i.e. my CRIPPLING EMOTIONAL PROBLEMS) amongst myself and others, I realized I might not be doing as bad as I previously thought. Sure, I don't have a firm grasp on what may or may not be happening right now, and I sure as hell don't know what I want, but that's pretty ok. I downloaded a lot of music, and I'm listening to it, and it's sounding pretty good. I've been outside every once in a while and I can talk to people at least a little bit. I just managed to take a successful shower, and I read some pages in a book too. I guess I'm not broken beyond repair.

I'm going to compile a brilliant playlist, buy a pack of cigarettes, go out into that big, bad world, and then (ever so quickly) run into the library and throw myself into my work. I'm pretty excited about all this.

Enjoyment

Some new brands of beers I enjoy.

1. Leinenkugels Sunset Wheat
2. Magic Hat Linx
3. TBD

So apparently, the boy has been divorced for 5 years. He was married for 5...except they stopped getting along for the last 2 years and then he found her cheating on him with their neighbor who was also married.

Giant mess.