Swoon #3

So the big city is definitely spewing out some quality men, namely the law boy that I met last weekend.

He is pretty much the complete polar opposite of the boy I had/have been dating. He's the most polite, the most down-to-earth-nice, and shy and reserved man I have ever encountered. On the other side, the boy I had been dating is a typical drunk mess who has asshole tendencies and also tends to have little to no regard for emotional feelings.

However, the boy I had been dating is exactly like me, and the boy I met last weekend is the polar opposite of me. We've already seen each other 3 times and it's been a week. We both feel so incredibly comfortable with each other already but neither of us know why.

I've already met his token gay friend, and he absolutely loves me. Apparently I'm not the only one attempting to corrupt him. Granted, he's being a bad influence on me too - I've already skipped 3 classes to hang out with him.

Not Sure How To Feel About This

So I finally got all of my grades back. I did as well as I thought I would do, that is to say, average in 2 classes, and above average in the class that I actually enjoyed.

Summer 2008 outlook is bleek. I've gotten rejection upon rejection, and still more firms that I haven't heard about. I am not sure why these people won't just let me down already. Part of me hopes that some 2L is refusing an offer and thus they'll contact me for an interview. Not likely.

However, on the bright side, a good many of them asked that I apply in the fall. Moreover, one asked that I call to schedule an interview in July should I be in the city at that time. I emailed the firm that I interviewed with my unofficial transcript. After that I emailed 4 more firms who requested my transcript. Good news? One of them is Cravath, Swaine & Moore.

I also got an interview with a public interest group. I didn't think I'd be going this route, so I never signed up for the public interest funding. I'm pissed I didn't, because this place pays $500/week for 10 weeks and the additional funding would've been $4000 for the summer. Granted, I feel like I could definitely coax these public interest people at school into giving me the money.

In other news, I got my tuition bill, and had a major freakout in the library because that's $3500 that I do not have. I looked over my beginning of the semester last semester and realized that my parents didn't account for the tuition in how much they were giving me (or maybe they did and I just completely and totally overspent $3300 in the past 5 months that I've lived here...but I don't see how that could be the case. At most I probably overspent $900, which is not something that I could not make up for with my own money).

Money fucking sucks. It's almost 11 and I still have barely touched on my readings for tomorrow.

In other news, I don't know what exactly is going on with the boy. We don't call each other unless it's absolutely necessary, but we talk on IM all the time...and he hasn't signed on in 2 days. Maybe I'm just being paranoid and weird. But either way, I met a 3L last weekend, and we're going out for drinks tomorrow, so that should be fun. He's super nice but he's also kind of bland (he's going to be doing tax law once he graduates) and innocent.

Not Okay.

All of a sudden today I just felt completely and utterly miserable. And I just want someone to hold me and take care of me. Then I realize that I don't have that person in my life, and fall even further.

I don't even know what I'm crying over. I'm just sad. I feel empty, but I don't know what I'm missing. I'm lonely, but I don't think having another body tonight will make me feel better. Maybe I miss the previous boy, or maybe I am prematurely mourning over the non-future that this boy and I will have.

Either way, here are some lyrics that resonated with me tonight. They're from A Fine Frenzy - Almost Lover

" Your fingertips across my skin
The palm trees swaying in the wind
Images
You sang me Spanish lullabies
The sweetest sadness in your eyes
Clever trick
Well, I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

We walked along a crowded street
You took my hand and danced with me
Images
And when you left, you kissed my lips
You told me you would never, ever forget
These images
Well, I'd never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot drive the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind
So you're gone and I'm haunted
And I bet you are just fine
Did I make it that easy
To walk right in and out of my life? "

Introspection.

The current boy is teaching me a lot about myself, mostly because he just asks questions that I tend to not have answers to - like why I am not an affectionate person.

My parents never really showered me with affection when I was little - granted, it wasn't because they didn't love me, they're just not affectionate people in general. I don't ever remember my parents being affectionate with each other, but they've been married for over 20 years and they're still going strong.

The last boy that I dated said he liked it when I held him - that's when I realized that I don't touch the boys that I kiss. So that was remedied.

This one asked why I didn't kiss him anywhere but the lips. 6 weeks before this he asked me why I didn't touch him. He felt that all the affection was coming from him and I wasn't really giving any. He thought that I maybe just didn't like him. I just didn't think it was necessary to show any more than I already was - wasn't the fact that I was over there every night that I would leave my apartment enough to show that I liked him?

Either way, I'm a pretty accommodating person and if that's what he wants then I'll give it to him. I don't think I was mentally at the point where we were more than a convenient arrangement.

I started calling our relationship an arrangement just so people could get the right idea. To be honest, I thought about how and when this would turn into an actual relationship, as in boyfriend/girlfriend sort of relationship. We've been consistently seeing each other since mid-late November, so it's been around 6-8weeks I suppose. So when is it going to turn into something more? 12 weeks? end of this semester? I just don't see it turning out that way.

I also feel a little safer in this arrangement - if a boyfriend cheated on me, his dumb ass sure as hell would not tell me. However, in this case, we've made it a point that if either of us sleep with someone else, just for the sake of health and safety, to tell the other. Or maybe this is just my way of rationalizing my choice of staying in this arrangement rather than asking for something more.

When he comes over tomorrow or Tuesday, I think I will have my talk that I was supposed to have when I saw him last...

I am a terrible writer, thus I resort to lists.

#1 - coming back home and finding a stack of rejection letters from firms = giant sadface. Granted, this was expected mostly because I applied to a lot of major international firms, and a lot of firms either don't consider first years or I need to have a transcript...which I don't.

#2 - good news is that 2 firms requested transcripts (so let's hope when that thing comes out I do well) and a couple of the firms asked that I either request an interview with the firm or sign up for the the on campus interviews this fall. So at least I have a good lead-in for my next summer's jobs.

#3 - I have so many errands to run and I'm really sick of taking the subway and seeing that on weekends the train will skip my fucking stop. I'm going to move in with either HGF or the boy this weekend because this is just not okay.

#4 - I already (!!!) have reading assignments for classes. What kind of stupid bullshit is that? First day has to be syllabus day...not socratic method day. Damnit, I already hate this semester and it won't even start until Monday at 3pm.

Things that bother me -

#1 - not getting my grades back till like early February, and half of the employers wanting my freakin transcript

#2 - happy gushy couples. they disgust me. the ones who have been dating for like 4 years and look like they're never going to break up. they are gross. i refuse to be happy for them. they have enough happiness between the two of them that i don't need to be infusing more joy into their lives. sure i have someone that i'm seeing, but i can still be disgusted by those other people.

speaking of dating - i don't understand men and wanting to hold hands. wtf is that? so i went out with you, and now the date is over, sure we've had some drinks, but does that really mean you can and should be holding my hand as we walk to the cab/walk home? no. hand holding is for if you've been my boyfriend for like 4 months.

there are boundaries people, boundaries!

#3 - i hate interviews...especially ones that have four parts. but i figure if they're willing to waste 4 people's times interviewing you, you must be pretty darn important. granted, my friend was telling me when she interviewed at lockheed martin, there was 9 45-min interviews in a row with a lunch break between the 4th and 5th interviews. that's got to be the most ridiculous thing i've ever heard.

New Year.

Last year, at this point, I was single, ready to get out of the south, and ready to graduate college. Right now, I am seeing someone, ready to get TO the south, and ready to be done with law school.

New Years Resolutions? More like lifestyle change - go to the gym more, do more yoga - so far, this has not stuck, or even started. This may start tomorrow, and end Sunday.

I have lunch with some important people on Monday - granted this is not for this summer but I really like the firm and would love for this to be the opportunity to get a firm interview in August for next summer. Tuesday I have interviews at a different firm for a summer position this summer.

I went to Career Services and the lady who I spoke to said that they would most likely be evaluating my intent to be in the city post-graduation - right now I'm split half/half...although I'm leaning more towards the south just because life would be so much less hectic and I would be under a lot less pressure to produce a certain number of hours per year.

The current boy asked about how the meeting went and I mentioned that they'd be looking for intent to be in that particular city post-graduation. He joked that if we got married and I had a job in Atlanta his professor would actually let him get his PhD then (this happened to one of his labmates). Then the conversation turned serious about how he'd at least be able to get a post-doc position at one of the schools down there and there's plenty of industry for him to look for a position at...

I was pretty surprised at this turn of events seeing as how about 3 weeks ago our conversations were stalled at the fact that (1) I'm emotionally challenged since the exboyfriend dropped his bombshell and (2) he enjoys being single and doesn't want to be tied down to anyone.

The last time I slept over at his apartment we had a serious conversation about weddings - not planning our wedding, but just talking about if he were to get married who he'd invite, etc. He asked me if I had a dress in mind and my reply was "no, my friends and I tend to more envision the reception than the wedding...and how my dress would eventually be caught on fire and pradabag would be hitting on one of the groomsmen and scaring all of my relatives."

But I did say that I wanted my dress to be very simple, elegant, classic, yet modern...and also not strapless and no veil. Anyway, he hugged me and said - this is why I like you! I'm not quite sure what that means...maybe that I'm not a very prissy girly girl (he offered me a Slim Jim and said I'd like this but that most girls wouldn't...). I think the conclusion at this point should just be that he is just terrible at compliments.

Anyway, this relationship is reaching an awkward stage - where I think we both feel more than what we've established ourselves as, non-exclusive dating, because I feel bad kissing other boys or making out with them, and would feel bad if he did that with other girls...but at the same time, I have to continuously remind myself that this isn't something that is not allowed in this relationship. So when I spent 3 consecutive nights at his apartment and stayed until 4pm the next day each time, I took the next 5 days off and kept minimal contact because I just really felt that we were getting too close for my comfort for what we had decided to limit ourselves to.