Introspection.

The current boy is teaching me a lot about myself, mostly because he just asks questions that I tend to not have answers to - like why I am not an affectionate person.

My parents never really showered me with affection when I was little - granted, it wasn't because they didn't love me, they're just not affectionate people in general. I don't ever remember my parents being affectionate with each other, but they've been married for over 20 years and they're still going strong.

The last boy that I dated said he liked it when I held him - that's when I realized that I don't touch the boys that I kiss. So that was remedied.

This one asked why I didn't kiss him anywhere but the lips. 6 weeks before this he asked me why I didn't touch him. He felt that all the affection was coming from him and I wasn't really giving any. He thought that I maybe just didn't like him. I just didn't think it was necessary to show any more than I already was - wasn't the fact that I was over there every night that I would leave my apartment enough to show that I liked him?

Either way, I'm a pretty accommodating person and if that's what he wants then I'll give it to him. I don't think I was mentally at the point where we were more than a convenient arrangement.

I started calling our relationship an arrangement just so people could get the right idea. To be honest, I thought about how and when this would turn into an actual relationship, as in boyfriend/girlfriend sort of relationship. We've been consistently seeing each other since mid-late November, so it's been around 6-8weeks I suppose. So when is it going to turn into something more? 12 weeks? end of this semester? I just don't see it turning out that way.

I also feel a little safer in this arrangement - if a boyfriend cheated on me, his dumb ass sure as hell would not tell me. However, in this case, we've made it a point that if either of us sleep with someone else, just for the sake of health and safety, to tell the other. Or maybe this is just my way of rationalizing my choice of staying in this arrangement rather than asking for something more.

When he comes over tomorrow or Tuesday, I think I will have my talk that I was supposed to have when I saw him last...